We’ve all heard of Bridezillas, but what about Momzillas, Guestzillas, or Photogzillas? Brides aren’t the only ones who need to tone down the crazy. After eight years in the wedding business, my husband and I have seen more than our share of characters.
Think twice about hiring a musician from the yellow pages a couple of days before the wedding – especially if you’re uncomfortable with intoxicated organists. One of our couple’s organist suddenly became ill. The replacement couldn’t figure out how to work the keys on the electric organ, so the bride and groom came down the aisle to a one-note piece: che…che..che…che…che. He eventually remembered how to play the thing, but became so enamored with his musical genius that he forgot to stop.
Hey, father of the groom sitting in the front row? Yeah, I’m talking to you! Answering your ringing cell phone and starting a conversation? So not cool. And yes. It really happened.
This behaviour is blatantly disrespectful and reveals more about your need to feed your ego than you should want people to know.
Please, dear mother of the bride, make sure you have some reason for living besides this wedding. Psychotic-control-freak-lunatic disease (or PCFL) is rarely treatable. Few people recognize the symptoms in themselves, so to be safe, assume you have it. Hire a good therapist the day after the engagement and work from there. This will provide a healthy forum in which to vent your concerns over how the bride’s doing everything wrong.
Oh lovely guest, please show up on time. Give yourself time to find a seat, blow your nose, go pee, pop a tranquilizer or paint the run in your nylons.With the exception of Hugh Grant, few people can pull off running in at the last second without it being seen as insulting behaviour. If you need attention that badly, you could get drunk at the reception and give a really scandalous speech, thereby providing the bride and groom with an opportunity to edit you out of the video footage or keep it as blackmail for later use. It’s their day, their choice.
Prone best man
So listen, diabetic best man, here’s an idea; how about eating something before the wedding, so you don’t pass out – twice – during a 20-minute ceremony? Obviously I’m not talking about unexplained medical emergencies. No one is going to fault you for having a heart attack or going into premature labour. But this best man chose not to eat before a 7 p.m. wedding. Unless you’ve volunteered to be the fall guy who steers attention away from the drunk organist, it’s best to have a snack.
Words, words, words
Oh, happy soon-to-bewed, please keep in mind the comfort of your guests when planning the ceremony. It may seem romantic to recite an entire Shakespearean play to each other but, really, not so much. No doubt millions of songs, poems or limericks brilliantly capture your undying love for each other. It’s just probably prudent not to include them all.
Dear bride, kindly alert the musician if you’re not wearing a white dress. Poor guy. Imagine his embarrassment when he realized he had continued playing long after the bride had reached the altar. He was watching for a white dress. And, unlike the drunk organist, this guy was sober. So chalk this one up to experience, and give the musician a heads up if you’re going the non-traditional fashion route.
Don’t…I repeat…don’t hire a photographer who thinks your wedding is his personal ‘America’s Got Talent’ moment. How do I describe this guy? Okay, think Jack from ‘Will & Grace’ at the height of a crystal meth addiction.
During the ceremony this guy was jumping and leaping…in front of…behind…around…and between the couple to take shots (not the booze kind,which may have been preferable).
The true piece de resistance came at the group photo. He said, “Okay everybody. Don’t look here.” He pointed to his nipples – then said, “Don’t look here.” He pointed to his crotch. Having run out of potentially offensive body parts, he pointed to the camera.
These recollections are all experiences we’ve had in our wedding business. But if Uncle Ernie and Aunt Edith get a little too wound up during the ‘Locomotion’ and wipe out the table with the wedding cake on it, don’t sweat it. That’s what YouTube is for.
Written by Deborah Hall